Today was almost like the first day of my recovery. I woke up at 5:30 after going to sleep very late. I could not get out of bed even though I was supposed to be in Shoreline at 10 to work on the rally car. I finally got out when my brother needed something printed off at 11. I didn’t get to Shoreline until about 1. I kept doing a little work and then just sitting there and staring at things. Something has really gone wrong inside my head. I was supposed to grade tests over the weekend but I didn’t do anything. This is just like December 5th. I got through that day, but that was all I could do. It feels like there’s no point to doing anything.
I barely even ate. I could not cook anything in the kitchen without thinking about who the kitchen was built for. I let myself succumb to despair several times. Frustration and anguish and anger and depression all at once today. I’m trying to fight against the easy answer that I’m worthless to anyone. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. No, I don’t believe it yet. It’s doing no good to dwell on it. I have to get up in 7 hours and expound upon the benefits of a logical mind. There are no benefits. Logic is useless and stupid. The only thing that controls our life is random chance and luck.
The only thing that gives me any remote comfort is the idea that I could secretly latch on to that chance that sometime in the future… but this is a false hope. Emily said exactly the same things when she left: “I want to be alone and find out who I am.” She got married to the guy she really left me for. I know that’s not the case here, but I put no trust in any hope that says my love is ever returning. No one believes in true love anymore, anyways. There are always better people out there to meet so why stay with anyone? Everyone must be perfect individuals and “happy with themselves” before they are able to truly commit to someone. This, too, is a false hope. If we were happy with ourselves, why would we enter relationships in the first place? Why don’t I just sit around being happy with myself (not a euphemism) for the rest of my life? I’ve always been pretty content with my path in life. After all of my life-shattering moments, I always continue on basically the same path. I guess it always leads me to the same places: failure, choosing the wrong mate, believing in others when they don’t believe in themselves, left wanting something I don’t deserve, etc.
I’ve identified some local therapists that I will need to get up the guts to contact. The first step to not being such a worthless person is to admit I need to change. I can’t survive another of these failed long-term relationships. I have run out of wrists to tattoo.
So, internet, what do we do now? I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I want, of course, to deny the whole thing even happened. What better way to deal with soul-crushing loss than to convince yourself that you never had anything to lose? What an impossible task that is. She is high up on this pedestal in my mind except for the whole “I don’t want to be with you but I still love you” thing.
Well, here’s what I have to do: I have to distract myself. Immerse myself in so many projects that I don’t have time to reflect on how the woman I wanted to marry, and who wanted to marry me at one time, is no longer part of my life. I need to finish our house and sell it. I need to become a musician again. I need to work on being the awesome person I am. I need to go to Europe and not think about the fact that I promised I take her one day. I need to find someone or something to replace my entire dreamlike perception of her.
So, I’m going to work on the house as much as possible. I’m going to find more volunteer things to do. I’m going to attempt to make friends. I’m going to take three more months off from searching for someone to date (but I’ll keep my mind open if anyone offers). I’m going to write songs, I don’t care how terrible they are.
The music part is the most important part. Every time my long-term girlfriend dumps me, I have been musically stagnant. That can no longer be the case. I can’t live without singing and chords. So, I want to post something musical with vocals and rhodes every day. Therefore, that is part of the new recovery plan. Even if the music is crap. Like today.
I need to build a sound proof room. I need to get my Rhodes fixed so I don’t have to use MIDI. I need to believe in myself.
Don’t go. I was imagining this song with a cello. I was imagining this song with a cello. I was imagining you with me. I was imagining that we were old by the ocean so far from here like a dream I can never find. Don’t go. Don’t leave me here. Don’t go so soon. Don’t go. Don’t go.