Ladies and Gentlemen,
On this, the night before the expedition, my heart is full of anticipation and a small part of trepidation. Tomorrow we leave for the base camp and the glacier and the expedition crew seems to be fully prepared. We’ll take on a load of ice in the morning and then travel the distance to the White River Campground. The first day will simply be preparation for the full expedition on the second day, provided the campground is accessible and fully usable. This is the trepidation.
The goal of the expedition is rather simple. The leader of the expedition crew will walk up to the base of the glacier, stick out his finger, and poke the glacier in the eye. Well, in the foot. Or whatever is at the bottom of a glacier and the start of a river.
Ladies and gentlemen, this expedition is greatly important for the hopes of our nation. By completing this expedition safely and without injury to the crew, we will gain valuable insight into the nature of our world and into human nature itself.
No expense has been spared in order to ensure the success of the expedition. Tens of dollars have been spent on fuel, bug repellant, a camp stove, fake hot dogs, marshmallows, water, and batteries for no less than two flashlights. The crew has performed rigorous training for various contingencies such as sleeping, walking, cooking, eating and bears. The crew has not shaved for several days and is sporting the beginnings of a mountain man beard. Simply put, there is not better prepared crew of one person on this entire planet, except for, perhaps, licensed mountaineers. Or someone that’s done this before. Or anyone else but me.
Nonetheless, the expedition is leaving at dawn (or after breakfast) tomorrow morning and will not return until the leader has poked a glacier (or Thursday night, whichever comes first). Stories will be told, my friends, of the adventures in this mountainous regions, that cannot be shared with small children. Mostly because they haven’t yet mastered English and I speak it real good. These stories will be passed down to at least 4 people via the internet. Maybe less. Pictures will be posted and not viewed. And, of course, food will be composted in the wilderness promoting the growth of all species of wild beasts.
Ladies and Gentlemen, nay, my friends, I bid you farewell. Should the worst happen, never fear, the expedition will serve to educate at least 4 people and therefore will have changed how we perceive the world and how we perceive each other. Wish the crew of the expedition no luck, friends, for they have the blessings of the gods they believe in. Oh, wait. Okay, wish me luck. See you on Thursday. If not, there’s a message for everyone by my keyboard.