your secret is safe with me i know why you are who you are i could never survive what you have your secret is safe with me it's your secret. ------ i'm beginning to think getting older just means enduring more pain ------ counting by numbers i am thinking of a number between 1 and 10 when i was happier than i'd ever been or ever will again at least that's how it seems these days ------ what is wrong with you? she asked of me now it is years later but still cuts deeply what is wrong with you? left her number near the sacred place she cut up letters saved what is wrong with you? i would push the numbers but the telephone scares me what is wrong with me? simple answers to difficult problems do you want these? leave me alone. (zine examples spoken during bridge, under "what is wrong with you?") ------ impotent violence careens in my head but beating my fists against the wall only serves to bloody my hands so i sit here and seethe and there is nothing i can do to release this impotent violence ------ night perimeter express core chorus i've been here four years and now i'm leaving but the only things i'll miss in santa cruz are vallarta burritos and you the beach boardwalk is a tourist trap the rides are pretty stuipd and the food is crap not to mention that it costs a million bucks and the boardwalk cops, well, they really suck chorus going off to school here was pretty lame most of the time i wondered why i even came i managed to learn some things i guess but ucsc is one thing i probably won't miss hippies suck boardwalk cops suck ucsc pretty much sucks santa cruz is better left behind sit around and listen to the grateful dead sometimes i want to shoot them in the head spend most of their time getting stoned i think i'm ready to go home ------ once again, with feeling does this all mean nothing because i'd like to start again be a kid again live my life again does my life mean nothing i'd like to say i feel okay about the choices that i've mad but i doubt i chose the right way, i tend to think i might have thrown something away that i can't retrieve does this all mean nothing because i'd like to start again be a kid again be myself again be uncaring again but it will still mean nothing i can't help but feel ------ the child is screaming clutching broken shards of glass to try to kill the pain that stands before him with arms outsretched offering up a false love but the child has seen this act before so many time, he knows the word "i love you, i'll never drink again i'll never hit you again" but the child has seen this act before and never wants to see it again even though one day he'll be the actor unless he can kill the pain inside ------ i think i know why you need to identify yourself through someone else i just wish you would've picked me years and years ago miles away from here your father and a group of friends took something no one can replace i wish i could be there for you but i can't know what it's like and i'm miles away from you and it seems like years until i return ------ i saw my grandpa the day before he died 60 years had taken its toll but he taught me a lesson that i can't forget i try not to say never but i don't want to ever put family and friends through that much pain my grandma went the same way countless years take their toll but adds a brick to my wall of determination chorus addiction killed my relatives smoking ad taken its toll i don't want to die like my ancestors before me and i don't want to preach so please just stop and think ------ 13th grade eyes —closed falling backwards can't see why you're killing yourself push away the hand that helps you don't want to feel sane chorus stop trying to run, stop trying to hide from what you want to feel inside just because you've gone and changed doesn't mean i feel the same way chorus2: stop trying to run stop trying to hid from what you want to feel inside just because i've stayed the same doesn't mean i can't be changed ------ ocean the other day i was feeling somewhat cluttered so i went down into town as i went, i noticed it down below. a place to ease my mind. chorus: waves wash away carry thoughts away sounds fill the void and i'm back to insanity again as i stood, feet soaking in water, i started to bend down. placed my hand into the salty ocean then tasted the life. chorus standing there with sand in my toes i could not help but dream of a place far away where i felt so peaceful felt so happy felt so content felt so friendly but now i'm headed to sanity again. chorus. ------ malakite when i looked across a room and you caught my eye then i knew everything would somehow work out fine. you saw me and walked over to my table and shared what's on your mind. chorus: when i'm all alone i will always know that you'll always be holding on to a little piece of me quickly i learned you would always turn my head softly i told you that i think you're heaven sent the world stopped turning for just the two of us so we got up and we fled. chorus now that we have slowly gotten to know how we both like to stop and think, then go some thing deep inside says (whispered 1... 2... 3... 4... 5...) give her the stone. ------ well i'm sorry you feel that way but there's nothing i can do nothing i can say to make you feel what i felt today. ------ domestic violence (ij) what the fuck is wrong when a man can hit his wife making up excuses to hold off prying eyes the bruises heal the memories don't the bruises heal the marriage won't what the fuck is wrong when violence is life? women hiding away form angry husband's strife bruised and swollen, she enteres the store her eyes betray her, icepack in her fist she looks beaten, a fight she'll never win she'll go home to him, and it will happen again ------ it may be right for you but i still have questions that i cannot find the answers to. ------ and just the thought of you, it makes my heart split in two as i wonder what went wrong. that night i laid beside the girl of my dreams, i told her and i nearly cried. ------ maybe if i go to sleep tomorrow will be a better day but when i wake up i find myself saying the same thing ------ the world inside my head is an ugly razor fight my only dreams see me fighting for my life i may find it in angry words i may find it in a hateful mind but i won't find it at the end of a gun ------ it's been so long since i've seen the rain ------ useless (ik) try to tell you what i'm feling inside, all the dreams i had we could be together somehow watching you tell me about your newest boyfriend i can't stand him i don't know him but he is taking away the only thing that means anything to me chorus: it seems so useless, why don't i just give up? it seems so useless, why do i keep this up? it seems so useless, watching you fall in love with someone else while i just stand by and continue to fall in love with you i'd give you anything all you have to do is ask waiting for the day you tell me you feel the same i sit here silently waiting for your love to come my way and fill the emptiness without you should've known that it was just a dream chorus bridge: waiting, for the day to come wishing, for things to come back my way thinking, things will work out but its useless, i should just forget but dreams fade away so slowly ------ luck cursed is the way i find myself i try to ask but no oneknows what will help always get the best of life only to find out that it causes me strife chorus: it's just my luck i always have to be the one who gives a fuck things go my way then they go to hell the very next day i met this girl the other day somehow i let her steal my heart away that was great but found it's end when her pal told me about her current boyfriend. chorus ------ angel (ij) sitting alone on this bed of nails i stare out at the rain. the tears running down my face like the raindrops on the glass. i haven't lost my mind. i haven't lost my mind. yet being alone doesn't help. i can think clearly, oh so clearly, without the visions of you clouding my vision but it is still so hard to get away from myself. *TEARING THESE NAILS FROM MY HANDS IS THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE* and you were a false angel. you weren't my angel. when i reached out, you stepped away and i had to catch myself. *I WANTED MY FREEDOM. I WANTED MY FUCKING FREEDOM* and i found it sitting alone in the rain. i am free. you aren't my angel anymore. ------ saturday wish #28 (sadderdays) (ik) today i wish of sadderdays. wishes to be with you in your arms. just a few days to go. why do i have to wait? chorus: saturday wishes. untold dreams. but it doesn't matter, 'cause it will never happen and if it does and my dreams come tru there's always saturday wish #29. it seems that i'm not in love with you but i am in love with love. it's so funny i wait my whole life for something i didn't want dreaming of saturdays: walks in the moonlight. dreaming of sadderdays: alone in the rain. wishing for satrdays with you here beside me but longing for sadderdays 'cause all i want is to be in love. ------ positive hide beneath a smiling face, all the things that i've laid waste all the time i've thrown away hoping for a better day where she and i could be as one and lie in peace under the sun chorus: (dumb random hmming) you ask me if i'm alright i lie and say i'm feeling fine when underneath i could explode under all the pressures i have known still i hold it all inside no one sees the tears i've cried. chorus happiness is far from here lies in the things that i hold dear i've alwas cared a lot for dreams even when they are not what they seem i always need what i can't have and never cherish the things i had chorus ------ rain sitting here all by myself dreaming of a place i know remembering the days since past the days i spent at home chorus: i let the pouring rain take away all of the pain the pain i couldn't keep inside the rain will hide the tears i've cried thinking of a girl i met she stole by heart i know when i found she wasn't one i just wanted to go home. chorus sitting here alone again thoughts of things i cannot know like what am i doing here and why don't i go home? ------ sweep me away (ik) sat by the side of the road watching all the cars passing me by thoughts running through my mind as i walk home, i look at the stars i realize i'm not alone. chorus: when i'm all by myself and there's nowhere to go and all that i see starts growing old i just look out my window and think where i've been as the music sweeps me away there's so many questions left unanswered by the feelings i'm keeping inside. dreams coming true, there's nothing to do, i just sit back and listen to you. chorus you're all that i need, all that i want, all that i asked for but never got. the solace you give me keeps me returning. play that song one more time. ------ untitled (ij) behind tired eyes i was broken over the nee of fate while you stood by and watched and laughed. pain so dull was all i saw, felt, heard, and it was your voice and the clouds blowing in the sky overhead grasping out, reaching our for something i could never have. stretching, reaching to touch your face and i saw the sky so blue and the gray clouds rolling, strolling, caressing the heavens with fingertips of silver... ------ noose (ij) looking at your picture, dreaming of what i could, should, would, might have said to you. but i failed and the rope i sought to anchor myself to you with was the rope i hung myself with. too enrapt in you to see that i had built my own gallows--now i swing alone--broken neck from that noose you helped me to tie--and my pain was nothing compared to your beauty. ------ college roommate wake up early in the morning to blaring classic rock can't you even be bothered to reach out and turn off your clock kept me up all night with snoring, smacking lips you write please knock upon the door and i just can't stand it chorus: painted plastic smile it means nothing, why do you even try? you had better like yourself because no one else does. you hate ska you hate ska you hate ska (pick it up) i hate bruce springsteen, grateful dead, phish and led zepplin, not to mention miles davis, the mermen and the doors, but only when they are played on that radio of yours chorus you play frisbee, you think you're cool, you think it's such a blast well if i weren't such a nice guy, i'd kick your stupid ass. i'd punch you and i'd kick you, hit with lock and chain, and then you'd finally be out of my my my brain. ------ best of friends she said i never understood understood the things she was she was all the world to me and now at times i'm glad it's gone chorus: times change, the faces around me get rearranged but yet they all share something the same, the'll all be gone someday. whatever happened to happened to three kids the kids i once knew or at least i thought i did chorus best of friends for 7 years 7 years 3 grew as one one summer everything had changed and 3 became a solemn 2. ------ news flash who can tell me that what i care for is meaningless to them? what is that they said to me when i explained who i was. where is the world where i am known and you all understand? when you've found your replacement please tell me who i am. why is good so hard to come by? i don't know if i'll stay or if i'll go but i don't mind so i'll sit here until i decide who ever said that my having fun was detrimetal you? what is life if we go along wishing that we could die? where are the kids, did they all run away with jeffrey and ted and you? when i see someone i can help, will i just stroll right on by? why did my grandpa have to die? ------ you said i didn't even know you i wonder why that is? all the things i could've shown you i'll keep them to myself. in another time another place, maybe with a different face i could have made my dreams come true. ------ mask (ik) hello come in, leave your personality at the doo. we don't care who you are, we don't care where you've been. you're just another stupid face we have to deal with. chorus: why should i other being myself when it's so much easier to be something i'm not. so come on in and have a drink but don't you dare take off that mask my friends, they say the'll stand by me but i don't do the things they do but they don't care it's the fools who point at me in jest, laughing at my expense they wouldn't mind if i was just like them it doesn't matter what's on the inside. it's what everone sees that counts. personality, individuality? can't even understand the concept. walking home in the rain, i realize it doesn't matter. i am who i am and you can't change that. ------ depth (?) whatever you asked for, i tried to do. why wasn't it enough? i have turned the world upside down and rearranged time. i have done it all for you... is this how you thank me? what more is there for me to do? i can't read your mind... how can you expect me to be perfect? nothing i ever do is right. i took my life and put it on a platter you passed me by again... ------ never ending (ik) dreaming of the days when we can be together endless nights when all my thought return to you. still i wonder what to make of all this mess. the time may come to see what all this means. chorus: never ending wishes by the moonlight. why must i be alone? i wish i may i wish i might feel the way when i'm with you. am i a stranger in a place i shouldn't be? looking for a place that doesn't exist? i always wondered who would make me feel this way. make my dreams come true and make it you. chorus i've know you for so long and i wonder if this is right or wrong. i'm sitting here looking for some answers. memories of times we had together. don't want to take away from you. puzzle pieces i haven't a clue i just want to (3part harmony) disappear... and be with you. ------ crass all the time we work the overtime we get our pay and we go home and cry sometimes we can't just go home 'cause if we did then we'd be all alone you can't understand where i come from and where i've been you will never understand 'cause you don't need to. ----- toxic waste you rot there listening to the grateful dead while a cloud of smoke invades what's left of your head you look so cool, you have a million friends but what's it worth to you when it all comes to an end? such a ... chorus: a waste (me) a waste (ian k) a waste (ian j) of time time time... you say it lightens up the darkness in your head but all i see is a view of you long after you're dead you had so much going your way why do you always throw it away? for such a ... chorus i wish there was something i could say to change your mind i wish you had some time to spare some time to listen to all the reasons that i have for you to begin all again and start with something new that's not a ... ------ it's in the game some mornings i wish i was pay, the lady that cleans the kitchens while talking to everyone and herself not knowing that they all think she's crazy and tried to avoid talking in the first place dome afternoos i dream myself flying off the edge of the san mateo bridge into the bay that looks blue once and a while reminding me of lakes 1000 miles away how can peole walk around acting like this ignoring the fact that they've turned this place which could be a counter-society into an imitation fraternity with hazing and hierarchy and prejudice and beer simply put: i'm glad i'm out of here at the end of the day i find myself wondering where the day went, why i even woke up wevery two weeks i convince myself it's worth it to sit still and let this all roll by... ------ burning magazines changing this might be like trying to divide by zero we know it's bad but we keep on looking anyhow chorus: picture perfect real or not changes our perception of what we already have increased blood flow promoted by visual stimulus choices made by others we're in their control i've quit this thing at least a million times like a pack of cigarettes i'm too weak to quit smoking and like an accomplished smoker i wish i'd never started. ------ they don't number exits in california if i was a boat, the you cut the rope that tied me to the shore where you stand full steam ahead i reply this time is as easy as any. push you away as hard as i can i try to save myself this time is as easy as any besides, you pushed first so it comes to this, cold shoulders and missed opportunity this house must be cursed this time is as easy as any with you i'm more alone than before i should not believe in stability down south, they don't number the exits this time is as easy as any.