“Cool this madness down.”
Published 04-10-2009 on my old wordpress blog.

I wanted to write a song to channel all this into something good, but I’m never satisfied with what I come up with.

Back in January, my plan was to be awesome all the time. Sometimes, I lose that plan and am not awesome. My old personal ad (step #6 of awesome 2009) said I chose awesome 70% of the time. That off-hand random number has been turning out to be rather accurate in the long run.

Well what I did today was programmed some more for this rally thing I’m doing, cataloged the stack of records I recently bought, listened to a bunch of those records, attempted to write a song and practiced some songs, played Epic Pet Wars for a million hours, screwed around on Facebook and added more people I don’t really know, uploaded some rally car photos and make a rally blog post, watched The Office episode that I missed, and that’s about it, really. I wanted to list it all here and then look at the list and say, “Hey, that’s not too bad.” but that isn’t happening right now. I feel physically rested, but mentally restless. I’m too impatient these days.

So, now how to turn it around? Do I delete all the not awesome lying around here? Maybe that would be dishonest. Part of being awesome is being honest. And I don’t think I am out of line for saying what is going on in my head. I’m not asking anyone to do anything about it, I’m just blasting it all out here in a vain attempt to figure out how to figure it out. It would just be nice to know what the hell I am doing.

Well, let’s re-cap on the plan progress, then. Let’s place our eyes firmly back upon the prize.

1. be physically active
2. attend at least 50 shows this year
3. finish the house
4. start a vegetable garden
5. go to europe
6. meet new friends and new ladies
7. listen to music constantly
8. play fewer video games
9. volunteer for some charitable organizations
10. do something musical 30 minutes a day
11. fix my posture

1: (exercise) currently weighing in at a svelte 150 pounds, putting me at a BMI of 23.5, in the “normal” range. I skateboard once or twice a week. I have to go on more walks, but I need more time or a walking partner. I might even consider running. Ugh. Martial arts wander around my peripheral thoughts, but nothing concrete.
2: (shows) seen 14 shows so far, that puts me on course for 56 shows this year. doing well.
3: (house) I hate this place. Researching a refinance and buying a property out in Ocean Shores. But this week I worked on this hellhole for the first time in months. My dad and I installed the water piping to the gas hot water heater. There is no gas yet. I got angry when the pipes we just hooked up leaked. I hate this place so much. I need a new housemate, by the way.
4: (garden) I pulled some weeds in the front yard. I blasted some fertilizer spikes into the ground around the fruit trees. I think I’ll tear up the garden space in the back and plant that cherry tree I wanted. I don’t want a garden. I don’t want a house.
5: (europe) I have a eurail pass. I have a plane ticket. I bought a ticket for my brother to meet me in Finland. I have a deposit on two spots on a Finland rally tour. This goal is all about success!
6: (friends and ladies) I am reconnecting with old friends and filling up my phone’s contact list with new acquaintances (I count 10 new entries in the last few months). I had some random lady give me her myspace and then grind all up on my leg at a show. I’m trying to be more conscious about my social persona. It takes a lot of energy, but whenever I leave the house, that consciousness is there. I almost talked to the guy in the band that I exchanged emails with, but then I was all grinded up on. I’m on the road to social butterfly, though my car is really slow.
7: (music) I have bought 48 records this year. I have a fancy stereo hooked up to my computer and try to play music through it whenever I can. This was one of those goals you set that you already do so that you can say you’ve accomplished one of your goals.
8: (video games) My PS2 is sitting on the floor, ready to be ebayed. I’m almost done with Colin McCrae Rally for the mac. I need to work on this one, though.
9: (volunteer) I sorted apples for Food Lifeline for a couple hours. I’m signed up to collect money before the Sounders game on the 25th for them as well. I have a list of other things to sign up for.
10: (30 min. of rocking daily) I think I’ve played piano every day this week. I have a notebook of lyrics. I sorted through my recordings and found some stuff I like. I just have to put it together.
11: (posture) Whenever I sit in my car, I use the “sport” seats to correct my posture. Whenever I walk down the hall at work, I try to think about posture. My BFF and my dad have both pointed out that my posture has improved. Some days, it’s improved so much that my lower back muscles hurt from telling my shoulders and humpback what to do all day.

Yes, that was exactly what I needed to do. I’m making real progress on some of these things that I want to do. I have direction despite my seeming stagnation. Despite my unassailable desire for perfection in the things I have no control over, I am pretty much ruling the things that I do have control over. My life is going well. And though it could be going awesome, I have to forget about that life for now. I have to focus on “good enough.” Which is, of course, giving up. But maybe I can keep the fact that I really haven’t given up a secret from myself just long enough until I forget about it. Or until my Alzheimer’s finally kicks in and I can re-live the best years of my life just like my Grandpa did.

If you like this page, you can buy me a coffee.

Keywords: awesome, good enough, the future

comments powered by Disqus