capitalist pig-dog.
Published 07-26-2008 on my old wordpress blog.

well, it’s official: i am a slave to capitalism. a fascist american consumer, just like everyone else. a wasteful, lazy, rich, yuppie jackass. a spoiled, selfish, worthless human being.

on the upside, i can now call people at any hour of the day and say “where you at?” or i can text them and not spell things correctly. or i can use GPS technology to find out what yuppie bar i should go to in order to drown my sorrows about the state of my microsoft stock. or i can call someone while driving and hopefully make a wrong turn and plummet to my death off the ship canal bridge.

buyer’s remorse? how about sell-out remorse? all this morning, as i was waiting in line reading “i wish there was something that i could quit” by aaron cometbus, i was thinking what a terrible person i am for selling out on my “no cell phones ever” hopes (promises? did i ever say this out loud? if so, i deserve to be shanked.). i felt like i should be running out of the store with my little claim check and excited about how one more capitalist won’t be able to buy their precious toy today. instead, i got myself that precious toy. i should be buying more organic food or donating to help fight world hunger or purchasing cans of paint to use to paint over every billboard and advertisement that screws up the scenery in my lovely city. but no. instead i succumbed to the slick marketing and the “everybody else has one” tactics of the general populous. and as i left the store after nearly two hours of waiting and talking to random people about my future adventures in west virginia, the clerks all congratulated me on my new phone.

okay, enough hilarity. let’s go with something darker. let me relate the story of my before the mall is even open line-waiting. an older couple was walking past the soon-to-be-congratulated line and decided that it would be a good time to convert us to christianity. so, the gentleman takes out his bible and reads us something from the book of john. however, it was different from the part i could find on the internet. it was something about people asking jeebus who he was or something. the man paused after this part and asked us who we thought he was. being in a foul mood, i shouted out “Steve Jobs!” a few chuckles from my capitalist compatriots and complete lack of acknowledgement from our impromptu pastor. he merely continued his meaningless rant and read the next verse 14:6 “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” and maybe a few thousand dollars.

and on a karmic note, iTunes has crashed while syncing my iPhone 3G. figures.

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Keywords: capitalism, consumerism, iPhone 3G, Jesus H. Christ, sell out

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