there are only a few files on my desktop. i always hated a cluttered desktop, so i put everything where it’s supposed to be. i just leave a couple things on the desktop by my four disk partitions. a folder that holds what i need to upload to this site, a file with my newest tattoo design in it, and a file called “stop playing games, asshole.” it’s time to make that last one public. it’s my to-do list, sort of. there is no order to the to-dos, as my life seems to not allow me any sort of order anyhow (which is why i spent this afternoon alphabetizing my DVD collection, probably). as i mentioned previously, it does no use to plan for these things as all plans will be thwarted and happiness is simply a fleeting illusion, but maybe it doesn’t hurt to dream a bit. so, here’s the list so you can keep me honest.

routine exercise: skateboarding or karate or something else
write songs: practice more, buy a rhodes, don’t give up so easily, maybe join a band instead
go to shows: average once a week (octopus project tomorrow)
be more involved with the rally program
get more tattoos
become more socially able
learn about anarchy and politics
spend a significant amount of time in europe, like a month. WRC finland and germany next year?
be a better person
get the hell out of this house
move somewhere out of north seattle, seattle, washington and/or the U.S.
find someone that really wants to get old with me
be a good teacher or quit and be a forest ranger
find a way so my parents don’t have to work so hard, so my sister doesn’t have to worry about money, and so my brother can just drive fast all the time
lose ten more pounds by eating healthy and following goal #1
write a book or something
build a fully sustainable retirement home by the ocean
wake up one morning and not instantly think about all the things that should be happening but instead be content with all the things that are happening.

so, those are my goals. i think if i could just get that last one accomplished, the rest would fall into place. but i keep circling back around when i should be moving forward. then i make this frowny face and shake my head at myself. then i do it again. something needs to happen to get me focused. either something tragic or something wonderful. i’ve been unable to direct this foot-tapping energy, this deep and mis-aimed desire, this pacing around the room and furious concentration, towards anything that is actually productive. it’s like a volcano, i just need a trigger and i’ll be able to get on with my purpose in life. except, unlike a volcano, my mission in life is not so clear. no, screw that, i know exactly what i want to do with my life: i want to be a good person and help everyone. i need to just do that and stop worrying about my insignificant wants and desires that will only be granted to me when i deserve them, apparently.

so in all this rambling and thinking through my fingers while old ska and punk songs play via itunes has really led to this conclusion? just be a good person and help people and then everything will turn out fine? what a trite and stupid conclusion. what the hell does “turn out fine” mean anyways? maybe there is no “fine” and life is simply endless torture to see if we’ll give up or not. maybe that’s just the test of these days: to see if i’m strong enough to survive some future even more horrible disaster. well, i can’t really do anything about all that, so i guess i have to figure out some way to be a better person and see if anything good will start happening.